


Schrödinger's Chat

by Septdeneuf



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Gen, Graphic discussion of decomposition, Horror premise played for Crack, If you die are you ever really gone if you're still going to school pretending everything's fine?, Temporary Character Death, post mortem ridiculousness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:22:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23219956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septdeneuf/pseuds/Septdeneuf
Summary: "You know, you could say that I'm both alive and dead at the same time… and I am a cat…""I'm the cat, you're a guy in a cat costume", Plagg objected."… So I'm basically Schroedinger's Cat now"Or: If you have nine lives, losing one isn't that big a deal, right?
Comments: 14
Kudos: 56





	1. Chat Mort

Chat Noir was glad the dark energy crackling around his palm didn't actually make any noise as he snuck closer to the Akuma. He might not have taken the threat seriously enough at first, chiefly because "Switcheroo" didn't sound like too dangerous an enemy, but now all his concentration was focused on the silver serving tray she was spinning.

If anything, this fight proved that the Substitution Jutsu from Naruto was a pretty good strategy. (The backstory was apparently that she was a waitress and wanted to make a rude costumer switch places with her).

Ladybug's distraction had proved pretty effective. The Akuma wasn't looking in his direction, and he didn't make any sound as he reached out his claws…

… only to stumble as the ground beneath his feet suddenly shifted. He had no time to recognize his new surroundings as he fell forward and his claw touched something. His eyes widened and he tried his best to pull back the Cataclysm's power and limit the destructive energy.

It worked, to a point. He'd gotten better at controlling how much damage he did with his power, but _none at all_ was unfortunately not a setting that was available.

A crack appeared in Ladybug's left earring.

His insides filled with ice as he saw that, and Ladybug's wide eyed look of horror mirrored his own.

"I'm so sorry, my-" he started, but before he could finish his sentence, his surroundings shifted again. He was suddenly in free fall.

As he grabbed his baton and looked frantically around for an anchor point to stop his descent, his environment shifted again, and he was upside down, still falling. He caught a glimpse of the Akuma also falling, but there was another switch before he could find a way to attack.

He still wasn't sure where they were or where Ladybug was, and the switches just kept picking up in frequency, so that even with gravity pulling at him and accelerating him further and further towards terminal velocity, he couldn't tell where up and down was anymore.

Cats always landed on their paws of course, but right now he couldn't even be sure where any of his limbs were. He had to find a way to right himself, to slow his descent, to stop the constant switching…

Except now he was a lot closer to the ground than he'd been expecting, and the top of a pole - a traffic sign maybe? - appeared right in front of face.

 _Dodge_ was his last thought before impact and everything went black.

* * *

"Kitty! Chat Noir, where are you?"

Ladybug's frantic voice coming from some distance away was the first thing he heard when he came to.

"Over…", his first attempt came out as more of a croak, before he took a deep breath and tried again, "over here!"

His voice sounded a bit like he'd sand papered his vocal chords, but at least it was comprehensible. He pushed himself up and took stock of his surroundings. He sat at the center of a crater that had probably been caused by his impact on the ground. The mangled remains of a “no parking” sign covered in blood were next to him.

The hand he rubbed against his forehead didn't come away bloody, and he didn't feel any wounds around his head. His cat ears were bent out of shape, but perked up when he payed attention to them.

"Chaton!" Ladybug was throwing her arms around him before he'd even registered she'd showed up. "Oh my god, are you okay, I was so worried", she babbled, pressing her face into his shoulder.

"I'm fine", he said, without really reflecting whether that was true or not. "Should we get back to the fight?" He didn't see Switcheroo anywhere, but with all the destruction around the fight clearly couldn't be over yet. He finally recognized the Place de l’Etoile around them, and there was a pretty noticeable crack running up the Arc de Triomphe.

"No, the fight is over, I purified the Akuma", Ladybug said. She bit her lip looking around at the destruction.

"So… do you wanna wait with the Miraculous Cure for some… reason?", Chat ventured. It occurred to him belatedly that she was still huggin him, and he should probably be more excited about it, but he had trouble focusing right now.

"I already did", Ladybug admitted miserably. "It looked worse before, but it didn't fix everything right."

That jolted him out of his befuddlement. He stood up, disentangling himself from Ladybug and looked around more intently. Several of the surrounding houses showed signs of the fight, and there were cracks in the street running towards his crater. This would definitely cause traffic issues, but at least it didn't look like any of the buildings were in structural danger so far.

"Oh", he commented eloquently.

"It's because the Miraculous is broken, it couldn't fix everything properly", Ladybug was wringing her hands. That guilty look on her face was his fault. If only he'd redirected in time, none of the destruction would've lasted…

"I'm so sorry, my lady! I didn't… it happened so fast, I couldn't… but that's no excuse, I never should've…" A hand on his shoulder stopped his rambling.

"I don't blame you, Chat Noir. I should've thought the plan through more, I should've expected something like this…" Well that wasn't right either.

"No, if you don't wanna blame me, then you definitely can't blame yourself", he said emphatically. "Look, let's stop passing blame and figure out how to fix this, instead." Ladybug nodded tentatively. "Can we fix this?", he added.

"I… I think so", she said. "There's something in Master Fu's notes about fixing broken Miraculous, I just need to figure out how it works. And then cast another Lucky Charm, and hopefully this'll all be fixed, then."

"Okay, great, that sounds like a plan", he encouraged. Both their Miraculous let out near simultaneous beeps. "And that sounds like our cue." She still looked doubtful. "You can do it Buginette, I believe in you."

"Thank you. I should go, take care of this", Ladybug said. She swung out her yoyo.

"Right, good luck", he said before she zipped away. He grabbed his staff off the small of his back and started making his own way home. It occurred to him en route that they'd never even done their traditional fistbump, but looking at the left over cracks in multiple buildings, this victory didn't feel all that celebration worthy.

At least the affected area wasn't as big as he'd initially feared. Or rather, it was multiple spots with somewhat contained damage each. Hopefully nothing vital was broken, and everything would hold up until Ladybug managed to fix the damage.

Ladybug said he shouldn't blame himself, and he could see her point. It had been an accident, or rather a deliberate manipulation by the Akuma. He'd done his best to minimize the damage, and she said she could fix it, so he should be able to get over it and not continue feeling this weird.

But no matter how many optimistic thoughts he tried to forcefully make himself think, something was… off, somehow.

He landed inside his window with a tuck and roll and dismissed his transformation.

"Well that was not exactly a success", he observed, as Plagg darted for the cabinet with all the cheese in it. Well, one of the cabinets with all the cheese in it. Plagg's collection was expanding at an astounding rate. There was definitely more cheese there than Adrien could remember acquiring, and adding in the rate at which Plagg ate it, there was a lot of cheese of unknown origin in his room.

"Could've been a whole lot worse", Plagg said and swallowed a slice of camembert whole. "At least your head's back."

"Yeah, there is that… wait, what?"

Adrien wasn't aware that his head had gone anywhere.

"You're all in one piece again, so that's a success", Plagg said carelessly, and rewarded himself with another slice of camembert.

"I… was unconscious…"

"Yeah, cause your brains were spilled all over the pavement, that tends to knock people out."

"Huh?" Adrien felt sick, but also had a weird certainty that he wouldn't be able to vomit right now.

"Wait, you really didn't realize you died?" Plagg looked bemused. "Is that why you make such a habit of it?"

"What?", Adrien squeaked. "Make a habit of it? I've very rarely even passed out in fights!"

"Yeah, but most of those times you were also dead."

"Oh." He plopped down on his bed heavily. "That's…" he blinked. It was both news, but at the same time not exactly surprising. He knew that the Lucky Charm could bring dead people back to life, he'd just never considered himself one of those people. Or, well, he'd considered it before, but chosen not to think about it.

"Um… there, there?" Plagg offered, and patted Adrien's shoulder.

"Is that why I feel so weird? Cause I just came back from the dead?" He couldn't remember any afterlife, but that seemed like a consideration for later.

"Uh, could be? Never happened to me, can't really say how that feels. Kwami are immortal."

"Must be nice."

"Kinda annoying when everyone else isn't", Plagg said with a shrug. There was definitely more to that, but Adrien didn't think it was a good idea to pry, especially when he was busy freaking out about this himself. "By the way, what's up with your eyes?"

"What? Are they like red or something?" Adrien blinked a few times. His eyes weren't itchy or hurt, so he wasn't sure what Plagg could mean.

"No, they're… weird." Adrien blinked at Plagg. Plagg blinked back at him. "I'll just show you." Plagg floated off and returned with a hand held mirror.

Adrien took it and looked at his eyes. They weren't reddened but they were… foggy. He'd never seen anything like it before. It was harder to make out his pupils, like they were hidden behind a cloud. He poked at his eye lid with his pinky, to see if it was gunk he could make move, but nothing changed.

As he considered touching his eyeball directly to see if he could make it move, he noticed how his hand looked for the first time.

"What's up with these bruises?" The palm of his hand was dark red, like a large bruise. And so was the rest of his forearm, with some gaps in between he couldn't explain. Other arm, too.

"…oh", Plagg murmured.

"What's up with…" he realized that his face looked weird, too. His skin was pale and almost yellow tinged "…all of this?" Plagg ignored his question and floated over to press his ear to Adrien's chest.

For a moment Adrien thought Plagg was going for a hug, which happened only rarely, until Plagg said, "Take a breath."

"Okay?" Adrien breathed in deeply, and exhaled loudly. He waited for Plagg to say something, but nothing happened.

After nearly a minute had passed Plagg said "you know, you're kinda supposed to keep doing that."

Only then did Adrien realize he'd been holding his breath the entire time, and he wouldn't even have noticed if Plagg hadn't said anything. He didn't feel any compelling need to breath in or out.

"Though I guess it doesn't really matter when you don't have a heartbeat, anyway", Plagg concluded.

"I don't?" Adrien exclaimed. He put both hands up to his neck, and tried to feel for a pulse. There had to be one. Simple logic, people without heartbeats didn't also have conversations.

"That Lucky Charm could've worked better", Plagg concluded. "Looks like it reanimated you, but didn't revive you."

"What, so you're saying I'm animated but not alive?" He still didn't feel a heartbeat under his fingers, but he wasn't trained in that, anyway. In CPR class the instructor had said people shouldn't rely on whether or not they could feel someone's heart beat because it was easy to get wrong, and rather focus on if the person was… breathing.

He took another deep breath and let it out, because he'd forgotten again.

"That's crazy, that can't be real. I can't just be… undead! That's not a thing!" Adrien jumped up and started pacing his room. Pacing, clearly a thing people without heart beats couldn't do!

"Bold words from someone who didn't think magic existed this time last year", Plagg commented. There was more cheese in his hands, even though Adrien hadn't seen him retrieve anything from the cupboard.

"You're really calm about this", Adrien observed. Plagg took a moment to throw the cheese into his mouth before answering.

"Eh. Not the weirdest thing I've seen."

Well, considering how old the Kwami was, that was probably fair, still… "What is the weirdest thing you've seen?"

"Oh, you see year was 1346 A.D and my holder back then had this cozy job on a goat farm…"

"Does it involve cheese?"

"Yes it does, and now I'm not going to finish my story because you interrupted me", Plagg declared, crossing his arms.

"Tell me some other time, I'm not really listening, right now, anyway." Adrien ran his hands through his hair. He was only now noticing that his skin was a lot colder than it was supposed to be. "I can't be dead, I've got stuff to do. School, and fencing, and piano, and saving Paris and modeling, and meeting with friends, and sometimes I even sleep!"

"Well they do say you can sleep when you're dead", Plagg threw in.

"Yeah but I wanna do the kind of sleeping where you wake up again!"

"You did wake up. Your bodily functions just didn't."

"But what if I wanna have a bodily function again?" Plagg made a face at that.

"Ew, gross."

"I can't be a corpse, people look at me, someone's gonna notice. What am I gonna tell people if someone asks why I'm a corpse? Oh my god, I'm a corpse!"

"You know, they're gonna notice if you keep yelling", Plagg said.

"Corpses can't yell, I can't be a corpse!"

"Well, look on the bright side, at least your brains are back in your skull, people would've noticed that one, too."

"Yes, thank you for that mental image, that really helps me calm down." Having heard that Adrien might never sleep again. So maybe it was better that the jury was still out on whether dead people did that. "Wait, whose brains were on the street, anyway?"

"Whoever lives in your right hemisphere, I guess?" Plagg looked mildly puzzled at the question.

"No, I mean, if someone walked by, did they see dead Chat Noir or dead Adrien Agreste? And what happened to you while I was dead?"

"Oh, right. Kwami can keep up the transformation for a while after death, depending on how strong the bond with their chosen is. You were Chat Noir the entire time."

"Oh. So… if I'd stayed dead, what would've happened?"

"I would've been able to manifest for a bit to bring the Miraculous to safety. It's a safety precaution so the Miraculous doesn't get buried." Plagg was looking away pointedly as he said that. This definitely wasn't theoretical knowledge only, and he could only wonder how often the Kwami had had to flee from the scene of one of his Chosen's untimely demise.

Eager to change the subject, Adrien picked up the hand mirror again. He didn't look that different at first glance, but the cloudy eyes and the yellowish skin was a dead giveaway. He poked his own face. The skin didn't feel like normal, either. It wasn't as elastic as before, feeling waxy and cold.

"This is gonna be difficult to hide", he concluded. Make up could liven up his complexion, but the eyes were gonna be more of a challenge.

"You look like death warmed over, literally, you think you can hide that?", Plagg scoffed. "Everyone knows that the Lucky Charm didn't work right, you could just tell people you got killed in the attack."

"Yeah, but how many people do you think actually got killed? I'm gonna guess not a lot, probably just me. And the way you tell it, that injury sounds pretty obvious, someone's bound to have seen it. And I'm kinda well known, if people hear about me being undead that's definitely going to be a news story, so if people hear that Chat Noir died, and Adrien Agreste died at the exact same time, someone's gonna put it together. Just because I died doesn't mean I don't still have to protect my identity."

"To be fair, being undead might warrant a news story even if you weren't famous", Plagg mused.

"Yeah but _Paris teenager becomes zombie after Akuma attack_ would probably still be slightly more anonymous than _That kid from the perfume commercial crawled out of the grave._ "

"Still, no one knows for sure who would've died in the attack and who didn't. You could still claim to be a bystander, no one would be able to prove anything. Not even the akuma remembers who they did and didn't kill."

"But Hawkmoth might."

"I don't think the connection goes as far as a live video feed of every single thing the akuma does", Plagg said, but Adrien could tell that there was a sliver of doubt in there.

"Well as long as we don't know for sure, it's better if no one knows about this", Adrien stated.

"Okay, sure, then how are you gonna pull this off? Cardboard face in a motorcycle helmet again?"

"Let's keep that idea on standby", Adrien mused. It wasn't the worst possible idea, actually, especially since it had already worked once, so why not again? "Gotta do some research first, see what sort of stuff I need to be hiding if I have a dead body." He sat down on his bed again and took out his phone. He'd already typed _How to hide a dead body_ into the search bar before he realized that that probably wouldn't be quite the right type of advice. He changed his search to _decomposition._

"You know, you could say that I'm both alive and dead at the same time…", he said as he idly scrolled through his search results. "And I am a Cat…"

"I'm the cat, you're a guy in a cat costume", Plagg objected, but he'd already floated off towards the cheese cabinet again.

"… So I'm basically Schroedinger's Cat now", Adrien concluded with a grin.

"Whose?"

"Oh it's based off a thought experiment by a famous physicist to explain the quantum mechanics of observation…"

"Ah, so the head injury didn't cure your nerdiness", Plagg interrupted. "Good to know."

"Oh shut up, you know I'm hilarious", Adrien said. His interest got caught by a Youtube video of a Morticia Adams lookalike promising to _put the "fact" in putrefaction_.

With that sort of help he could totally figure this out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my bro [Cochrane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cochrane/pseuds/Cochrane) for beta reading! 
> 
> If you wanna learn more about dead bodies and decomposition I suggest checking out "Ask a Mortician" on Youtube!


	2. Rigor mortis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So I actually can't sleep when I'm dead? I'm a victim of false advertising!"

Sleep was a huge mistake. Or, well the attempt was, because Adrien was pretty sure that he hadn't actually fallen asleep at all.

First had been multiple interruptions by Plagg to check if he was still "zombiefied" followed by some muttering that if he just lay there looking dead, someone was bound to find him and attempt to bury him. Apparently he looked so much like a real corpse that he was freaking Plagg out. Which was pretty concerning. Plagg was unflappable barring issues with his camembert supply.

Plagg's interruptions had sent Adrien's thoughts spiralling around being buried alive, or as close to alive as he currently was, and then the thought that he had no idea how long this state would actually last, and that being sorta not really dead could easily transition into actually dead without any warning.

He was pretty sure that once Ladybug had her Miraculous fixed (a thought that was always accompanied by a massive surge of guilt) and cast the Miraculous Cure again he'd be fine, breathing and heartbeat and kidney function and everything. Probably. Hopefully.

He had to keep his optimism. If there was one thing he was good at, it was having unwavering faith in Ladybug, and he wasn't going to stop now. The magic was probably good enough to ensure that if his already coagulated blood had started circulating again, he wouldn't just have an instant stroke.

Probably.

So to sum it up, he wasn't completely sure if sleep was possible in this state at all, but this night it definitely didn't come.

Around 5:00 he decided to stop torturing himself with the attempt, and got up.

Except instead of getting up he found himself groaning against the sudden complete inability to move. He tried to say something, but it was as if his jaw was welded shut and he only managed a pitiful moan. That's probably where zombie movies got inspired for their noises.

"Oh yeah, totally", Plagg said from somewhere across the room. Adrien groaned again. Well actually he tried to say "would you mind helping me?", but what came out was nowhere near intelligible.

"Right, I'm so glad someone finally had the courage to say that", Plagg answered unhelpfully. He did float over to Adrien's bed though.

"Mmmm mmm mmMMMmmmMM mmmmm", Adrien explained.

"Same", Plagg offered.

"MmmMMMmmmmmnnnnnmmnmmmmrrrrr"

"You really might be onto something there."

"MRRNNNmmmmnrrrnnn"

"I dunno about that one." Plagg lifted a hand and looked at it as if he was cleaning his , though Adrien knew for a fact that he didn't have any.

Adrien leveled a glare at his kwami that was probably undermined by the fact that his corneas weren't quite see-through anymore.

"You know, it's your own fault", Plagg said with a shrug. "The youtube lady did mention rigor mortis."

_"But that only applies to corpses that can't move anymore"_ Adrien attempted to say, with equal success as before.

"I really don't get paid enough for everything I have to put up with", Plagg said with a sigh. "I expect a lot of camembert for this. The expensive kind, I know you're good for it."

He floated over to Adrien's face and grabbed onto his lower jaw. For a moment Adrien had no idea what the kwami was doing, but then he felt a pull. Plagg yanked with all his might until…

CRACK

The noise was both very loud in Adrien's head and among the most horrific things he'd ever heard. If he ever heard this noise again, it would be too soon. He wondered if Plagg's idea of helping had just been breaking his jaw, until he realized that he could finally move his mouth again.

"Oh wow, that sounded really bad" His words didn't sound quite like normal, but now that some mobility was back, every time he opened his mouth it worked a little more smoothly. "Thanks though. I thought rigor mortis wouldn't happen, since I can still move around."

"Uhuh, and then you laid down for several hours without moving."

"Oh…"

"Yeah, oh. Think you should avoid sleeping as long as you're the box cat." Adrien had to grin at that. Plagg must've looked up what Schroedinger's cat was, after all. Adrien had never mentioned the box at all.

"So I actually can't sleep when I'm dead? I'm a victim of false advertising!", Adrien mock complained.

"You'll live", Plagg said dismissively. "Or at least, stay as dead as currently."

"Dead on", Adrien agreed. "So, uh… could you help me get the rest of me to move?" Testing his limbs, he couldn't move anything at all.

"Did you ever even get anything done before you met me?", Plagg asked, rolling his eyes. He did float over to Adrien's right hand and started pushing on his wrist though. "You'd be lost without me."

Adrien really had been, and he would've said something sappy that embarrassed the kwami, if not for the infernal cracking noise that rewarded Plagg's effort. "Oh god, is that noise gonna happen for every joint?"

"Probably. I'm only doing this arm, once you can move it you can do the rest yourself", Plagg declared.

Well, at least there was no staff around this early, and his father's bedroom was so far away no one else ran a risk of hearing the noise.

* * *

The cracking noise of breaking rigor mortis would probably haunt Adrien's nightmares, so not being able to sleep for the foreseeable future was oddly convenient.

At least he was up and moving now. Some stiffness remained, and he wouldn't exactly call his movements graceful, not that he usually did that, anyway, but at least the gruesome noise had been worth it.

Beauty sleep definitely hadn't been achieved, he mused as he assessed his appearance in the mirror. The weird bruising that he'd now learned was livor mortis, caused by lack of blood flow, had darkened, and came up the side of his neck and the back of his ears. His eyes looked even more opaque, and paired with the jerky movements he didn't quite live up to his perfume ad image.

Luckily, being a teenage model came with some advantages, namely a generous supply of very expensive cosmetics and enough experience on how to use it. He picked the most aggressive full coverage foundation he owned and slathered himself generously. Liberal application of concealer, aggressive blending and of course lots of blush later, he almost looked like a person with a functioning circulatory system.

Except without see through corneas, but you couldn't have everything.

"What do you think Plagg?", Adrien asked as he checked his reflection for spots he'd missed. Putting make up on his ears wasn't part of his normal routine. This much product at all was usually reserved for magazine cover shoots.

Plagg looked up from where he was checking out his own teeth in the mirror (who knew why, he certainly never brushed them). "Oh hey, that looks kinda human, actually."

"Good enough to fool people at school?"

"Oh definitely, people at your school are probably the most easily fooled demographic in all of France."

"What? What do you mean by that?"

"You want me to quote all of the ridiculous excuses you've used for suddenly disappearing to fight an Akuma, or is anything Lila Rossi has ever said a better example?"

"Okay, fair", Adrien admitted. "So you think this'll work?"

"Except for the eyes, maybe. What are you gonna do about that? Claim you got instant-cataracts and hope no one questions you?"

"Nah, don't worry about that one."

* * *

"Adrien, why are you wearing sunglasses indoors?"

"I'm sorry, Mme Bustier, I've just had a pretty bad headache since yesterday's attack, bright lights make it worse… I could take them off if you think it's distracting…" Biting his lip and scratching the back of his neck (carefully, so as not to smudge his make up) Adrien did his best to look sheepish. His teacher's look of sympathy told him it was working.

"Oh, no that won't be necessary. Do you need to go to the nurse, or do you think you'll be okay for class?"

"With the sunglasses definitely, thanks Mme Bustier", Adrien said with sigh of relief that wasn't even fake. Well except he very purposefully had to think about breathing for that. As he made his way to his seat, he snuck a look at Marinette. She looked worried, but at least not like she noticed his bluff. He knew how she felt about liars, but he didn't really have a choice if he wanted to keep his identity safe.

"You okay, dude?", Nino asked with concern as he sat down.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, don't worry." And he would be. Ladybug would fix this mess, and in the meantime he could handle the consequences. It was fair, too, since this whole situation was his fault to begin with.

One of those consequences was that his stomach felt like it had a brick in it, because he'd made the mistake of trying to eat breakfast. He could swallow the food fine, but he hadn't considered that without a functioning gastrointestinal tract it would just sit in his stomach forever without being digested and that wasn't fun.

All day long no one questioned his migraine story. Not even Nathalie had made a comment about his appearance. He had a feeling the Gorilla might've noticed that he was wearing an unusual amount of make up. In true Gorilla fashion, he hadn't said anything, though.

At least there wasn't a photoshoot scheduled today. Instead he had fencing after school, which, he now realized, was the perfect sport with the perfect outfit. Maybe he should just stay in his fencing outfit forever.

His athletic performance wasn't quite on par with his enthusiasm for the outfit though.

"Touché, Point", M D'Argencourt declared passing Kagami and him. It wasn't the first time today. None of the points so far had been Adrien's.

"What's wrong with you, Adrien?", Kagami said, lifting up her mask. "My mother's wooden training dummy is more dynamic than you today."

"Well I'm sure your mom only buys the best in training dummy technology", Adrien joked, leaving his mask firmly in place. He went back to his starting position, hoping Kagami hadn't heard the crack his wrist made as he flicked his foil.

"Your movements are stiff and your stance is off", Kagami observed.

"I didn't sleep well", Adrien admitted. "Guess it must be throwing me off more than I thought"

Kagami didn't look convinced, even though it was part of the truth, and put her mask back down.

It didn't take very long for her to score the next point, while Adrien tried to hide the uncomfortable cracking of his joints with an exaggerated cough.

"Adrien, I'm not used to this sort of failure from you." _Ouch._ Well, Kagami was nothing if not direct.

"Look, if you want to spar with someone else, I understand, I'm just feeling a bit off today." His breakfast that still hung in his stomach with no hope of ever leaving agreed with him.

"I don't want to switch partners, I want you to improve to your usual standard", Kagami declared. Well then Adrien would just have to suck it up. But once Kagami was set on something, she had a habit of being stuck in her ways.

"I'll try, but I won't make any promises."

Thirty minutes later he finally managed to score a point off of her, and from all the exercise he'd finally loosened his frozen muscles up enough to stop creaking. M. D'Argencourt called for the end of training, and Adrien actually thought that this had gone about as well as it possibly could have.

"Adrien, that was an abysmal session", Kagami declared. "What is going on with you? Is it something, I, as your friend, can help with?"

"No, no, just… an off day, you know how it is." She probably didn't.

"The honor of my family demands peak performance at all times", Kagami said. "An off day to this extent is unheard of."

"Yeah, that sounds about right. I'll… work on it. Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom, see you next week?" Luckily he was by now warmed up (not really warm, but… conceptually) to slip away from her, and he dashed into the bathroom.

Not that he actually needed he bathroom. He hadn't had any bodily functions of the toilet variety, but Plagg had helpfully told him that that had definitely happened when he'd first died, but the suit had taken care of getting rid of the evidence.

Which, if he thought about it, kinda amounted to Plagg changing his diaper, and that wasn't a thought Adrien was all that comfortable with. It also meant that he could probably just pee while transformed to no ill effect, but he was never ever testing that.

Ever.

He hid in the bathroom stall long enough for the chatter of the rest of the fencing team to die down as they left one by one. It also had the additional benefit of being able to change out of his fencing clothes without anyone seeing the postmortem lividity he hadn't put make up on.

"You know fencing girl is probably gonna be the first one to figure it out, because she doesn't actually go to your school", Plagg commented. "I can't believe the sunglass thing worked."

"Stuff doesn't always have to be super complicated. Besides, everyone except Marinette believed Lila had about a million different health issues that all randomly appear, one migraine isn't that hard to sell. At least Marinette didn't call me out."

"She seemed distracted", Plagg commented.

"Well, most people did. The failed Miraculous Cure really put a damper on everyone's spirits. I guess it makes it more real how dangerous Hawkmoth really is, when you consider all the damage might not always get fixed instantly."

Chloé had tried to start a discussion about Ladybug not being that great after all at recess, but instead of taking the bait Marinette just straight up left, and Alya had received some message on her phone that had her look mildly green before she'd excused herself.

Adrien had pointed out that Ladybug had always managed to fix things before, and she would come through. Which of course he wholeheartedly believed. If only he hadn't put her in the position where she had to prove it.

"Maybe it'll make them appreciate you guys more", Plagg suggested. "Not take everything for granted."

"But we want them to have confidence in us. We're there to protect them, they shouldn't doubt that we're gonna be there for them", Adrien argued.

Before Plagg could answer, Adrien's phone beeped with an Akuma alert. "Let's show them they can still count on us. Plagg, claws out!"

As the green light of the transformation washed over him, he instantly felt better. And the advantage of transforming in the bathroom was confirming in the mirror, that he looked better, too. His complexion was still very much the make up he'd put on, and if he wiped it off he'd probably be greeted with the same yellowy pale waxiness he'd hidden initially, but he wasn't going to test that. The big advantage was that his eyes looked normal now.

Well, like cat eyes with green sclera, but still much better than his regular eyes did at the moment.

"Makes sense, cats do have nine lives after all", he told the empty bathroom, and then left to fight the akuma.

* * *

The Akuma wasn't particularly difficult, namely another reprise of M. Pigeon. Chat appreciated that, he didn't think he would've been able to survive another tough fight like the last one. Not that he had that last one, anyway.

Though he did have to wonder if an injury like last time would even change that much about his state.

As it was, M. Pigeon's heart didn't even seem to be in it, really. Chat didn't even have to use his Cataclysm and Ladybug hadn't summoned her Lucky Charm either by the time Chat had stolen the Akuma's pipe and thrown it to her. She broke it, captured the Akuma and purified it.

"Oh, what, again?", M. Ramier said as the purple bubbles of the transformation washed it away. "Sorry about that, Chat Noir, I didn't mean to cause an inconvenience."

"Don't worry about it, it's not your fault", Chat said, and helped M. Ramier up. The Pigeon enthusiast thanked him and waved at Ladybug before going on his way.

"Pound it!", Chat Noir exclaimed and held his fist up as he approached Ladybug. After a moment she obliged with a fist bump. She looked a lot more stressed than the current Akuma merited, especially now that the fight was over.

"So… did you manage to fix it?" Looking more closely at her ear, he couldn't see the crack in the earring anymore. That had to be a good sign. "Looks normal again."

It was only when Ladybug pushed his nose back that he realized he'd been kinda far in her personal space to look at the earring. To be fair, that was mostly because those earrings where pretty small.

"I… think so?", Ladybug ventured, her words dripping with the exact opposite of confidence. "I did what the translated scan of the book told me to, and it looks fine again, but what if I misinterpreted something, or the translation was off…?"

"Well… maybe the best way is just to use a Lucky Charm and see if it helps this time?", Chat suggested.

"I'm just not sure. What if I try and it just makes everything worse? What if I break more things instead?"

"Hey! Breaking stuff is my area, don't steal my thing!", Chat exclaimed with mock offence. Ladybug offered him a tired smile. "Seriously though, even broken I don't think your Miraculous can cause destruction at all, just be less good at creating. You wouldn't expect mine to suddenly start making stuff if it was broken."

"That's… a good point actually", Ladybug said.

"You don't have to sound so surprised, I'm a really smart cat, I'll have you know."

"I know, kitty. I just wish I could talk to Master Fu about it. All this Guardian stuff is so new, and I'd feel so much better if he just told me that yes, this is what he meant by that translation, and what I did makes sense."

"Oh." That wasn't really something he could help her with, even if he desperately wanted to. He hated that she suddenly had to bear this burden, and he couldn't help her. Not that he hadn't offered, but even he had no idea how. "Maybe recruit Bunnyx to travel back in time and ask him?"

"Don't tempt me", Ladybug said. "I'd probably just dump the box on him and create a paradox."

"I don't really see a problem with that, if that's what you wanna do", Chat said with a shrug. The crack this time was barely audible, hopefully.

"No, I'll just go over the scans again, I'll figure it out", Ladybug said. "I mean I did already, I'll just double check."

"So… you're not gonna try to use your power now just to check?"

"Do you think I should? I just… I don't wanna mess things up more, what if I got something wrong, and trying it now makes it so I can't really fix it later? I don't think I'm ready." She looked up at him with her big blue eyes, and seeing that look on her, he knew that he could talk her into it, if he really pushed. It was probably in his best interest to try again, because this whole being dead thing wouldn't get easier if more time passed.

"Take all the time you need", he said instead. "If your gut's telling you not to yet, there must be a reason. I know you can do it, I believe in you, but if it takes slightly longer, then that's just how it is."

"You think that's okay? But, all the traffic jams, and everyone thinks it's my fault…"

"It's not your fault, it's Hawkmoth's, and the people of Paris can handle being in traffic jams. Or just take the metro, that's more environmentally friendly, anyway."

"Right. Thanks, Chat", Ladybug said with a smile.

"Anytime, my lady", he told her with a bow as she swung her yoyo to leave.

So… she would probably feel confident enough to fix everything before there were odors, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not so fun fact: The cracking noise upon breaking Rigor mortis is real and intensely creepy when you're not expecting it. Seventh semester med student me sure wasn't expecting it in the forensics lab, It sounded like I broke the dead body's arm. I've done my best to avoid doing this in my subsequent dealings with dead bodies.


	3. Cannibalism is not a solution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just don't think exploding is gonna solve my problems, Plagg."

As a reporter, Alya was a naturally curious person. She tended to be more observant than most, especially if something caught her attention. And as a good friend, it was only natural that she paid some attention to the object of Marinette's crush. There was nothing weird about that. She was just being supportive.

Nino called it "second-hand stalking". Alya was not pleased about that.

Besides, he paid attention to Adrien, too, because he was his friend. So was Alya, come to think of it.

Point was, it wasn't weird for her to notice stuff about Adrien.

What was weird, was that she seemed to be the only one who did.

Ever since the failed Lucky Charm… well actually she'd opted to call it "partially successful" on the Ladyblog, there was a strange vibe in class. In most of Paris, really. She'd tried to discuss it with Marinette, but her best friend had suddenly acquired a "new project" that made her disappear even more than normal. Every break, every afternoon, Marinette was suddenly busy. Not that Alya didn't support her friend's design career, but working on secret projects so much she didn't have time for a social life anymore couldn't be healthy, right?

Most people in the class were more subdued. Sure, Akuma attacks were scary while they happened, but it was easy to compartmentalize when everything got instantly fixed, after. The damage left over from this fight mostly caused traffic jams and a partial closure on metro line 14, but it was easy to imagine bigger consequences. Some Akuma attacks had caused a lot more widespread damage, and if that had stuck...

Stormy Weather's second appearance only being partially fixed could still have resulted in a climate catastrophe. A slightly quicker one than the one currently in progress, anyway.

Not to mention the disturbing picture of Chat Noir one of her reader's sent her, that she hadn't, in good conscience, been able to post.

So Alya understood people's concern. Even if she was ready to throw hands at Chloé's newfound dismissal of Ladybug's abilities. Alya suspected that it something to do with the bee infestation right after Love Eater that had left all of Paris with several hours of amnesia, but of course she couldn't prove anything.

What Alya didn't understand was how no one seemed to have noticed that Adrien wasn't breathing anymore.

Or was he?

He had to be, right?

The first time she noticed it, was in the middle of a boring class about… geography, maybe?

Okay just because she thought of herself as observant didn't mean she always managed to focus her attention on stuff other people would want her to focus on.

He'd cracked his knuckles pretty loudly and Nino had teased him about it. Adrien had given a self-conscious little laugh. Alya had been pretty zoned out at that point and just looked idly at his shoulders shaking from the laughter. And then they stopped. The boy just stopped moving entirely.

Alya couldn't claim that she usually paid attention to people breathing, but something about how still Adrien was all of a sudden seemed very strange. When she noticed, she looked around at others, and with just a little tuning in to their rhythm she could spot the slight movement of everyone's breathing. Marinette's chest moved, so did Nino's, and even Chloé breathed.

Adrien on the other hand… She focused back on him, and, nope. Just no movement at all. She tried to stop breathing and see if she could breathe in at the same time at him, but it just wasn't happening. She took a slightly gasping breath, that signaled the failure of her experiment.

Marinette turned to her. "Everything alright?", she whispered.

"Yeah, but… have you noticed anything weird about Adrien?", Alya murmured back.

"Well he does have that migraine…" Marinette's faced scrunched up in that expression that was somewhere between guilt and concern. Not that Marinette had anything to feel guilty about, not like Adrien's headache was her fault. But Marinette did have a tendency to make things she didn't have any connection to her fault.

"Yeah, but aside from that, don't you think he's a little… off?"

"People acting different with a headache is normal, don't you think? I hope he gets better, soon."

"Right, yeah", Alya said, turning her attention back to the lesson. Okay, not really, she still couldn't muster much enthusiasm for… agriculture? Economy? Whatever Mme Bustier was drawing on the board. Instead she kept watching Adrien for breathing.

She must be imagining it, right? She couldn't honestly claim to ever have paid attention to what people's breathing looked like, maybe Adrien's was always less noticeable? Maybe he was trained to do that as a model? Part of the "holding still while people take pictures of you" skillset?

Yeah, that was probably it.

Any other explanation would be crazy, so she should just stop thinking about it, and instead focus on… demographic change, maybe?

* * *

It actually took three days between Adrien dying and seeing his father again. He was waiting on the steps when Adrien came back from school, with his hands clasped behind his back and the costumary frown on his face.

"Hello Father", Adrien ventured, suddenly very aware of his make up and sunglasses. Would his father notice how weird he looked?

At least his hair was impeccable, what with the lack of oil production from his scalp and not sleeping anymore. Way less chance to mess up his look.

"Adrien", his father acknowledged. His gaze travelled from his feet up to his sunglasses. Adrien felt the familiar sensation of being analyzed by a microscope. If there was ever an Akuma that turned him into an amoeba in a petri dish, he'd probably feel right at home. "Nathalie informed me of your headache. Are you recovering?"

This was probably meant to be fatherly concern, Adrien reflected. Like the time when he'd been eight and sprained his wrist playing basketball, and his father had asked multiple times a week when he'd be able to take up his piano practice again.

"Well, it's persistent, but with the sunglasses it's not so bad", Adrien said.

"Right. They might also dissuade paparazzi. However, your photoshoot tomorrow is for our upcoming winter catalog, so sunglasses don't fit with the aesthetic. I'm sure you understand."

"People do wear sunglasses for skiing…", Adrien ventured, but the stern look on his father's face told him he needn't have bothered even before he started talking.

"Nathalie has already been over this with the shoot's creative director, he was quite firm on the point."

"Okay… I'll see if I can manage without them tomorrow?"

"See that you do." Gabriel descended the steps at that, turning towards his office. "Oh and Adrien?"

"Yes, father?"

"Do stay away from foods that might cause bloating, tomorrow. The pieces you'll be modeling are tailored quite precisely."

"Of course", Adrien said, as the door closed behind his father. He took a deep breath just to be able to sigh. At least staying away from food wasn't a big challenge at the moment.

As he ascended the steps to get to his room he looked down at himself. He could see where the comment was coming from. His stomach did look a little bloated. Not that a dietary change would help.

"You know, that would be a real asshole move if you actually did have a migraine", Plagg commented as he floated out of Adrien's bag towards the cheese cabinet after Adrien had closed the door to his room. "Those lights at those things are so bright, they give me a headache sometimes."

"That must be hard for you, considering you're 90% head", Adrien mused, putting his bag away.

"Ah yes, even the most ubiquitous teen model of Paris' billboards can only dream of achieving the divine proportions of a Kwami", Plagg said, stroking a piece of camembert.

"Gravity just won't allow me to be as perfect as you, Plagg", Adrien lamented with a hand thrown over his forehead dramatically.

"Truly pitiful", Plagg commented, before unhinging his jaw and throwing the camembert in.

Adrien meanwhile pulled up his shirt and inspected his, admittedly pretty bloated, stomach. There was greenish discoloration that had started at the lower right quadrant, but was now spreading across his abdomen. At least a winter shoot meant crop tops were unlikely to make an appearance.

He pressed down on his stomach and could feel how it was filled with air. Well, not air, per se, just the gasses the bacteria living in his large intestine produced as they slowly digested his insides. Fun stuff.

"At least he didn't notice the whole… dead thing", Adrien commented.

"Dunno if that's a point in his favor", Plagg said. He'd pulled out the newest issue of his cheese lover's magazine and was flipping through the pages lazily. "Their only kid dying seems like a thing a parent should notice."

"I'm doing everything I can to make sure no one notices, that's exactly what I want, here."

"Yeah but you're not very good at it. You're only breathing to talk, I told you multiple times you need to keep that up."

"I know, I forget… I didn't usually have to actively think about it when I was alive. It's kind of annoying, honestly."

"So what, if it didn't happen automatically, you'd have suffocated long ago?"

"Probably. I'm not that great at multi-tasking", Adrien admitted. "But I gotta figure out what to do about that photoshoot. Specifically how to get all of this gas out of my insides."

"You know, nature did invent farts for that."

"Yes, well, people without peristalsis don't just have the luxury of farting", Adrien protested. "The place where farts happen isn't where the gas is, and I don't have any way of moving it there."

"Didn't the mortician lady say something about that gas eventually exploding out? Maybe that would help. Also I don't think the gas is your biggest problem. The eyes are way more noticeable."

"I just don't think exploding is gonna solve my problems, Plagg", Adrien pulled his shirt back down and sat down at his desk.

"Explosions can solve all sorts of problems, you just have to open your mind. Just like I like to open my mouth to admit luscious camembert."

"I do have an idea for the eye thing, though", Adrien said, pulling out his phone and sending a text to Wayham.

_Hey Wayham, you do cosplay, right? Do you know a good place to get colored contacts?_

The reply was nearly instantaneous, just like Wayhem always was. Adrien wasn't sure if the fanboy was glued to his phone at all times, or if he made special allowances for Adrien. It always made him a bit uncomfortable to know how obsessed he could become. Especially since Adrien felt like he didn't have much special to offer, to capture so much attention of someone who didn't even know him that well.

Having fans was weird thing.

_But your eyes are so beautiful, Adrien, don't change them!_

_I get my contacts from this place, though._ Attached was a link.

_These ones are good ;)_

Adrien typed a quick _Thanks_ before opening the link.

And then he stared.

"That's…"

"Hm? Not finding a solution?"

"No, actually…" Adrien said, gesturing at his screen. His flailing was enough to capture Plagg's interest, evidently, as the little kwami floated over.

Plagg burst out laughing when he saw the "Adrien" contact lenses, promising eyes just as dreamy and radiant as famous teen model Adrien Agreste. "So that's exactly what you were looking for, isn't it? Your pupils are probably still going to look weird, though."

"Yeah, it's just… why does this exist?"

"Cause you're famous", Plagg shrugged. "Weird that you haven't noticed before."

"Well there's being on some billboards and then… whatever this is. Who would ever cosplay as me, that's the most boring costume ever!"

Plagg patted the link to _people who looked at this also bought…_ "Hey, they have Chat Noir ones, too. And Ladybug."

"See that one I understand", Adrien said. "At least those are actual costumes, but me?"

"Chat Noir is also you. Well actually, the eyes are more mine", Plagg said, blinking at Adrien. "And I gotta say kid, mine are a lot more _dreamy_ than yours."

"Yes Plagg, you're the most beautiful entity here", Adrien said scratching his kwami's chin.

"And don't you forget it!" Plagg floated back to his cheese magazine, while Adrien ordered the contact lenses and paid extra for express shipping. Even if he felt weird about their existence. The package promised it would arrive midday tomorrow, which was exactly in time for what he needed. Hopefully it would be enough to pretend he was actually alive.

Now for the other problem.

The gasses had to go. He couldn't show up at the photoshoot bloated, because it would definitely cause his father to make Nathalie question his diet, and the answer that he'd been avoiding all food would just raise further questions.

The gas wasn't coming out the natural way, so it needed somewhere to go. A niggling doubt told him he should probably put more thought into his idea, but maybe he was overcomplicating things?

He did have a sewing set from an unsuccessful attempt of his father's to teach him to sew to eventually take over the family business. The attempt had failed mostly because his father didn't actually have time to show him, and Adrien had been looking forward to Gabriel spending time with him so much, he'd refused to even pick up a needle when a tutor tried to give him classes.

He decided to go to the bathroom and sit in the tub before attempting his idea. He rolled up his shirt again, and felt around his abdomen, trying to find where it was most swollen. There wasn't really any specific spot, he was ballooning over all. So…

"Here goes nothing", he murmured to himself, before poking his stomach with the biggest needle he'd had in his sewing set.

It… sort of worked. As soon as he pulled the needle back out, a puff of gas followed it. And kept following. The hole wasn't very large, and it wasn't exactly like popping a balloon, but his stomach did steadily get smaller, until there was barely any bloating left.

What he hadn't expected, and he really should've, was the liquid that followed. It looked… well the less said about it the better. Adrien jumped up and frantically pressed a towel to the hole in hopes of saving his clothes. On second thought, he could've gotten undressed before attempting this, but that was just another hindsight thing.

"Ew, what is that?", Plagg exclaimed from his room, before floating through the open door.

"I'm… solving a problem." _Or maybe causing one,_ it always depended on perspective. "I barely look bloated anymore."

"Kid you really need to breathe more." Plagg said, shaking his head. Adrien took a breath, and breathed out again. "Through the nose", Plagg instructed.

Adrien did. And immediately wished he hadn't.

"Yep, you've unleashed the odors", Plagg said. "People are gonna notice that more than you looking slightly rounder than usual, how are you gonna fix that?"

"Well first thing's making sure nothing else comes out", Adrien decided, and dug through his medicine cabinet for bandaids to seal the hole.

"And then? You know, if you shower it might slough your decomposing skin off", Plagg said unhelpfully.

"I know", Adrien said, opening another cabinet. He really really didn't want to go there, but what choice did he have? "Extraordinary times do call for extraordinary measures…"

"Don't tell me you're gonna…" Plagg's eyes widened. Adrien just nodded and reached into the cabinet. "Are you sure this is worth it? You could just tell people what happened, you don't have to do this to yourself. And to me!", the kwami pleaded.

"Sometimes a deal with the devil is unavoidable."

* * *

Alya had spent five minutes just sniffing the air, trying to identify the weird smell, before Marinette slid into her seat, cutting it very close before the start of first period as usual.

"Mmm", Marinette sighed. Alya looked at her, and was surprised to find a blissful smile and closed eyes. "Adrien… le parfum…" she quoted in the exact inflection of that perfume commercial. Alya only knew that because Marinette had sent that video to her multiple times to squeal about how perfect Adrien was, and Alya had obligingly clicked on it every time. That's what real friendship is about.

Though, to be fair, Alya's devotion to Marinette hadn't extended to actually smelling the fragrance. Mostly because she knew Nino had asked Adrien what he thought about the scent. The answer had apparently been some excessively polite deflection. That told her all she needed to know.

So it was pretty odd that Adrien was suddenly a middle of the cloud of the stuff. Alya had to agree with his (presumed) earlier opinion: the scent wasn't great. Not the worst perfume she'd ever smelled, but definitely not something she would've wanted anyone to spend money on. Adrien probably hadn't, but still.

Of course if he wasn't breathing, he might not smell it.

Which was still a ridiculous thing to think, _Alya, get it together._

Class started before she was able to comment on it, and even though the class topic was slightly more interesting than the last time she got distracted, she couldn't help but stare at Adrien a lot. (This time class was about a 18thth century play they were reading. Alya wasn't a big fan of the play, but hey, at least she knew that's what they were talking about).

And Adrien still wasn't visibly breathing.

Which was probably just her imagining things. Because if it was true, then it meant, what, exactly? That Adrien was a Twilight vampire or something? That would explain his good looks, but he definitely didn't sparkle in the sunlight. Though she imagined that Gabriel fashion would market the shit out of it if he did.

Still, she was willing to admit she might be obsessing over nothing, and she was willing to let it go, honestly.

Until Nino patted Adrien's shoulder later in the day and said, "dude, you're kinda cold."

Alya _had_ to investigate. If only so she could stop obsessing over it.

"Adrien, can I talk to you for a moment?", Alya said as class was over and everyone filed out of the classroom.

"Yeah, sure", Adrien said, staying behind. Marinette had left as soon as the bell had rung, to get home to work on her project. The girl better be producing some epic fashion to justify abandoning her friends at every opportunity. Nino stayed with Adrien, though.

Alya waited until everyone had left. She knew she was going to sound ridiculous, but hopefully Nino wouldn't be too surprised by some mild craziness.

"Why aren't you breathing?", she said as the door closed behind the last student.

"What? That's ridiculous, of course I'm breathing", Adrien said, his voice sounding quite a bit higher than usual. "See, I'm doing it right now." He took a few exaggerated breaths to prove his point.

"Uhuh, sure, and why don't you do it in class?" Alya pressed on, ignoring Nino's look of incredulity.

"I totally do it in class. I do it all the time, just like everyone else", Adrien said. And sure, the content was convincing, but his tone really wasn't.

"And why do you suddenly wear approximately three bottles of perfume, when you never usually do that? And why is your skin super cold? And why do you have make up on your ears?"

"What are you saying, babe?", Nino asked, looking helplessly between Adrien and his girlfriend. But Alya wasn't focused on him. She could tell Adrien was floundering.

"I… just… fashion?"

"Cut the bullshit, sunshine, what's going on with you? You've been weird ever since the partially successful Lucky Charm a few days back, don't think I haven't noticed that you've never mentioned migraines before."

"What are you even accusing him of?", Nino asked incredulously.

"Right, what do you think is going on?", Adrien said. "I have a headache now, it's not some big conspiracy."

"And what happens if I take this?", Alya said, reaching for Adrien's sunglasses.

"Then my headache gets worse", Adrien complained, but Alya needed answers. She plucked the glasses off his nose and… stared. Adrien's eyes didn't look like his eyes anymore, at all. There was a milky white film over them, that made it hard to even tell what color they were.

"Dude, what the hell is wrong with your eyes?", Nino exclaimed. Alya wasn't sure what she'd been expecting, but it somehow hadn't been this.

"Instant onset cataract?", Adrien offered. He didn't sound particularly convinced of what he was saying.

"Yeah, wanna try again?", Alya insisted.

"Okay fine, just promise not to tell anyone, okay?" Alya crossed her arms. Until she got to the bottom of this, she wasn't sure if she was willing to promise anything.

"During the last Akuma attack I… died", Adrien said. "And the broken Lucky Charm sort of brought me back, but not quite all the way? So, I'm animated, I guess, but not really alive, so I'm walking around and talking like normal, but also kind of decomposing at the same time."

"What", Nino said.

"What", Alya echoed.

"The corneas actually stop being transparent if the blood flow ceases, and I don't have a headache, but this is the part I couldn't hide with make up, and the colored contact lenses I ordered only come in this afternoon. Well, and the whole putrefaction thing made some… odours, and I decided smelling of this horrible perfume was probably the lesser of two evils. On the plus side, I'm done with rigor mortis, though, so at least I can move without cracking again."

Both Alya and Nino just blinked at Adrien as he finished his rant.

"Wait, actually, you didn't hear what I said about the fragrance, as a representative of the Gabriel brand I obviously like the perfume named after me, very much, okay?"

"Sure", Alya said. "You know, that's not the weird part."

"Don't look so shocked, you suspected me already. Shouldn't have made me say it, if you didn't want to hear it", Adrien declared, crossing his arms with a pout.

"I… I don't actually know what I suspected. Somehow not this, but it also fits… I don't know."

"Dude", Nino said.

"So I was right, you're not actually breathing?"

"Yeah, I know, I need to do a better job with this, but honestly, if you had to manually think of every single breath you took, you'd probably forget, too", Zombidrien defended himself.

"Dude", Nino said.

"I guess. So, you're like a zombie, now, but you still decided to go to school?"

"I care about my education!"

"Dude", Nino said.

"Do you? Or are you actually here to find young supple brains to consume? Or blood to drink, I don't know, are you more zombie or vampire? What's your undead allegiance?"

"I'm not going to eat brains! Or drink blood, Alya!"

"Dude", Nino said.

"Why not? According to the literature that would probably help with your decomposition thing."

"Okay first of all, all the brains I know are in use", Adrien started.

"More or less", Alya said with a shrug.

" _Dude",_ Nino said.

"And even if I could find one, I really, really don't want to."

"Let me reiterate: why not?", Alya insisted.

"Really think about it: Would you eat a raw human brain?"

"Dude", Nino said.

"I never said you couldn't cook it", Alya said. "And it's not about if I would eat it, I'm not a zombie."

"Well, neither am I, I'm just a corpse!", Adrien said, throwing his hands up.

"Looks kinda similar from where I'm standing."

"Dude", Nino said.

"Cannibalism just isn't going to solve my problems, okay?"

"Dude… wait, cannibalism? Zombies aren't cannibals!", Nino protested. Looked like his brain had successfully restarted.

"What? Yes they are, they're humans that eat other humans", Adrien said.

"No, zombies aren't humans. It's not the same thing!", Nino said. "Don't call it cannibalism, that makes it weird."

"Oh yes, calling it that is what makes it weird", Adrien said.

"Okay, so Adrien sucks at being a zombie", Alya said, "but like, seriously, you become an undead abomination and you decide to slather yourself in make up and go to school anyway?"

"I like going to school. And I didn't want people to find out about this, hence the make up."

"Well you should've foreseen that the incredible Ladyblogger would see right through you!" Alya declared.

"Why go through the trouble of hiding it, anyway?", Nino asked. "You're a cool undead terrible zombie, we're not gonna judge you. You know Kim would be all about that. And then you wouldn't have to put make up in your ears."

"I don't want a make a scene. If people hear there's a zombie in school, that would definitely cause problems, and I don't want to bother anyone", Adrien said. "Also, still not a zombie."

"So you're hiding it because you're too polite. Yeah that checks out", Alya admitted. "But, like, how long do you think you can keep going like this? If… decomposition stuff is already happening, you can't keep hiding this forever." If not for his eyes, he would look pretty normal, so it was weird to consider that he was decomposing right now. All of this was weird, though.

"I don't have to keep going forever, just until Ladybug casts another Lucky Charm and I go back to normal."

"You think it's gonna be that easy?" Nino raised an eyebrow. "What if it doesn't actually fix the stuff that broke with the last one?"

"Then my best bet is probably mummification", Adrien mused. "Or laying in a bog for a few years, that's good for preserving bodies."

"Couldn't you just get embalmed?", Alya offered. "Isn't that how dead people stay fresh?"

"Yeah… I looked into that, and that's really not something you want to be conscious for", Adrien said with a shudder.

"What? Why? Don't they just put some creams on you? You know, like a balm?"

"I thought that, too, but no. Very much not what they're doing."

Alya waited for a moment, but apparently Adrien wasn't planning on elaborating.

"Anyway, please don't tell anyone", Adrien said, taking his sunglasses back and putting them on. "Ladybug is going to fix this any day now, and then nobody has to know."

"And we can run interference for you, now that we now, dude", Nino agreed. "Don't worry, we won't tell anyone how bad you are at being a zombie."

"Thanks man."

„So... now that we’ve cleared that up, what was that with how much you _love_ Adrien le parfum?“


End file.
